you know in islam there is a concept called nazr which is a pledge to god that if you do so and so i in exchange will do so and so. it's somehow like trying to talk god into doing something for you against his will. being the traditional person i sometimes am, every once in a while, when in trouble i make a nazr. "ok god, here is the deal," i say, "you do [such and such] and i'll become a good girl."
for some reason though, he doesn't ever budge and that's why i've been a bit bad up to now. so dear god, this is my ultimatum: if you don't grant all my wishes i'll become a very very very bad person. got it?

how did I get myself into so much trouble? Sometimes I think I just get myself into trouble knowingly. In fact, I still see all these troubles coming and headstrong I proceed.
Am I naive? Am I just waiting for a "deus ex machina" kind of devine intervention?
Whatever it is, I feel divided and consumed by the doubts that feel me. If something would just happen to get me out of this. If just the decision wasn't mine.
I can't believe my own thoughts, when I hope, when I wish, would it happen to be free. Isn't freedom something we have to gain and not be bestowed?
...
and I tell myself, "life is is short, live it full". But the doubts, the doubts are like tarnish on the metal I can't get rid of. The sparkle of life is dim in this tarnish and the glitter of hope is sometimes doomed.
...
I wish it was out of my hands.

my post manager on blogger has now a row of drafts, somehow i still can't convince myself to put them here! is that bad?i don't know. somehow they are all on the same line and somehow none of them expresses really what i feel. i guess that's why i can't put them either here or in my blog. i guess that's it.