is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breath

the bottle of hydrocodone pills looks very attractive all of a sudden
only if i could do such a thing to my family...

That missed call...
I think it was you. Now that I think of it, it should have been you, I wish it was you and at the same time, then I hate to have missed that call.
So anyway . . .yesterday I thought it through and finally I realized in my whole sadness that the only thought of being with U again was making me feel better.
That is crazy. . . plainly so! But I didn't care, so I was just waiting to see U today, to talk to U. . .
But then U didn't feel like seeing me today. Of course U did not. . .
Damn you and me. Plain ridiculous. Well, life is like that. Isn't it so?
Third time is the charm?! Maybe it's not . . .
Right, it could have been the last. I had made my mind, was ready to face it. Make that call with U, show U I wanted it, more than anything. Beginning a new life, from today on. . .
But life goes on, careless of this. Of me and U...and U of me...

You'll miss me-
When there's no one who'd laugh at your jokes
When there's no one who'd care for the cut on your finger
When there's no one who'd cheer for you
When there's no one who'd remember the story of The Princess and the Pea
When there's no one who'd admire you the way I do now-
That's when you'll miss me
And ofcourse by then-
I will no longer laugh at your jokes
I will no longer care for the cut on your finger
I will no longer cheer for you
I will no longer remember the story of The Princess and the Pea
I will no longer admire you the way I do now

This urge...
Is it going to be like this now, for a long time, or am I going to get rid of this urge of being alone? The visceral need to isolate myself and not see anything, do anything or talk to anyone.
I want an empty room to lie down in, with the sun caressing my face, my closed eyes feeling warm, my mind wandering in the endless see of thoughts without worries.
Warm and safe.
Seems so long ago I felt like that and it was not. My mind is playing tricks on me again? Or has time stretched somehow? This blue sky, the yellow sunshine, the almost green grass, the gentle breeze don't tell me things no more. The blue is just one shade too gray, the yellow is not quite golden, the grass is not really green and the breeze . . . isn't it supposed to be warm?
Where is my wonder, where is my excitement, my passion? Where did I lose them along the way? How do I wander between my silly me and the adult me?
I already know I won't put this post on my own blog, but had to write it. Somewhere. Somehow. I need to remind myself how did I feel when the urge passes.

scared deep inside my bones.
i would be shaking if i wasn't frozen...
so scared,
so deep inside.
no i can't,
yes i can.
yes, i want,
no, i won't, cause i can't. cause i can, but i don't want to.
i'm confused, once again.
oh just please, not again. not once more.
let me be.
no more cries,
no more tears,
no more
sleepless nights,
no more guilt
in my eyes,
no more pain
in my heart
no more grief
on my face.
so scared.
so scared,
deep inside.